Saturday, 9 August 2014
Is Pain All That There Is?
Trigeminal Neuralgia pain is the worst I have ever felt in all my life.
Sleep is difficult, talking hurts like hell and every single thing that I need to do on a daily basis is becoming increasingly difficult. Brushing my hair is hell, showering is pure torture and brushing my teeth feels like I am using a cheese grater inside my mouth instead of a toothbrush, Moisturising also hurts, and putting on make-up is nasty.
I feel really self conscious without my war paint. I despise leaving the house without it. I know that it is a silly and some people would say stupid thing to worry about, but it is how I am.
I just want some of this pain to ease. Just a little. I have daydreams often. In them, I am working, living my life and completely pain free. I would give almost anything for this. It is futile, and each day passes with extreme burning pain, electric shocks overwhelm me every couple of minutes and the stabbing sensation is never ending.
I feel that I am loosing myself. I look into the mirror and my appearance has changed, there is a blank and glassy look in my uneven pupils, my skin is pale and the swollen black bags under my eyes make me look like I am much older than my 28 years.
I also don't recognise the woman reflected back. I am miserable, and there isn't much in life that brings me joy, and I don't care about very much any more. I do try and put up a front, I paint my face, struggle to tame my hair and plaster a smile on my face.
My medications make me feel drunk and stupid, and I am positive that my IQ has dropped 50 points since my diagnosis, which for me is torture.
Sleep is certainly my nemesis of late.
I wonder how long I can go without sleep? 2 or 3 hours a night is ridiculous. I have to keep hoping that one morning I will wake up, and my first thought or yelp isn't due to pain. I want my vision back, I need it back. I read a lot, and I love to drive.
Will there ever be an escape from the pain? Is pain all that there is??